three strikes, you’re out of here

I have a twitter account that I use almost religiously. And the ex has a twitter account that was a ghost town until recently.

Two weeks ago he called me at 12:30am out of nowhere. First.) I could have been sleeping. Second.) He hasn’t tried contacting me in over a month. So, why is he bothering now?

I started this blog on September 28th. This is my Happiness Blog. Most of this blog was based on venting and airing out my issues that I don’t air out to friends. It was based me mostly trying to make myself a better person. To make myself a better me. The other part was all based on getting over the ex. It was working really well for a while too. I was going out every weekend and doing different things and I was seeing people and dating and doing things that I don’t usually do.

But then he started using twitter.

It started with basic things like just tweeting so I would see his face pop up on my news feed. Then it moved onto him singing/playing my favorite song ever, “I’ll Do Anything” By Simple Plan. Then it moved onto things like saying he would be seeing important people when he comes home in a couple of weeks, “I like to see what you do everyday because I think of you a lot.” to actually tagging me in a tweet, to subtweeting more about me. Either these are about me, for me or I’m just the psycho ex.

I’m definitely the psycho-ex.

I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT GIRL ANYMORE.

I am so much more than a girl waiting around for a boy to finally realize her worth. I’m a full-grown woman. I am an adult. I can almost legally drink. I’ve been cheated on. (By ex) I’ve been loved. I have loved.

I just feel like I’m always waiting for something that isn’t quite there. I will never doubt he loves me. I know he loves me. But he will never love me more than himself.

I went to visit him a few months ago at his college. And I had a great time. However, his walls were barren of us. Any pictures we had together were packed away in boxes underneath his bed, the going away present I made for him I doubt he ever watches. The pick necklace I bought him was nowhere to be found. (The necklace was a pick. He’s a guitar player and overall great musician, I’ll give him that much) It was like.. anything that was us didn’t matter. All that mattered was his new life at college and the girl he loved could be packed away into boxes for whenever he wanted to take me out and play with but then put away when he was sick of me. I was almost disposable and not quite worth it. Only worth to keep around for the occasional tussle.

When I got back on that bus back to my own college he walked away without once looking back. I’m always watching his back.

It’s my turn to have him watch mine.

On that same bus he told me he wouldn’t be visiting me this semester like we had talked about. And he didn’t want me coming to visit him. I think my heart completely broke for the last time again. (He had valid reasons, we could always wait till Thanksgiving. We would be saving money. But what about saving our love? What about us? Is that not enough for you to come to me too? Am I not enough?)

But then again.. I’m so torn with all of my feelings. I still want to be with him but he will never be there when I need him. I’m only convenient when I’m there in person. I want us to have that shitty old apartment building with a black and white cat and a big bed where no matter what day it was.. we would always know that the next day we would wake up and know the other was there. (Although, highly improbable given our history. His love is spontaneous and ever-changing. He will never feel for me in a constant motion. It will always only come in waves to his convenience.)

What do I do..