I woke up today on the floor of my bedroom because my friend kicked me out of my bed by elbowing me in the face enough times that even my high-tolerance for annoyances reached a breaking point. I rolled onto the floor and crawled my way to my rug dragging a pillow and two blankets with me. At 8am I finally fell asleep amongst the tossing, turning, and snoring reverberating through this small space.
Today, I woke up at 1pm and felt dead and wrong. I didn’t want to see anybody, I didn’t want human companionship, I didn’t want to breathe. I sat in my computer chair without pants for hours watching Grey’s Anatomy and power sobbing to cute moments until I couldn’t see straight and the tears were causing my trackpad to go wonky.
Somedays I feel like I’m a human being who can accomplish what my potential has wrought. I’ll remember every moment with intense detail even if it happened years ago or on such an offhanded comment that the person who said it didn’t even realize. Unfortunately, today was not one of those days. To be honest, it hasn’t been my month.
I pride myself on my memory and how well I can fit in information through out my daily conversations. Lately, I’ve been foggy. It’s like the world is bright and but there’s this lense of murky soup filtering through the frame. I’m in the moment and I know I am because I have never been the type to daydream, but I’m not whole. There are gaps in my memory where I know I’ve been paying attention but I’ve forgotten the minute details. I’m making horrific decisions about my life and I haven’t felt this way in years and I wish I knew what started bringing me down again.
Today, I woke up clear and bright but with a resounding grey echoing through my bones. Days like these make me feel like I need better friends but then these are the best friends I’ve ever had. It’s a me problem that I want to fix but I don’t know how to get there. One day I was fine and the next day it was like a switch turned off and my entire disposition went from normal happy gemini me to angry, spitting, grumpy gemini that wants to see the world burn.
The world is burning beneath me and somebody knocked down the wall with the switch and until it’s rebuilt that switch won’t be flipped back on. I’m just so tired all the time. I haven’t been sleeping well and it just burns cold fire which is debilitating my ability to function on a higher level.
Trying to find something to fix me is tougher than it sounds and tougher than it should be.