i memorized your print in the universe
& it sang sweeter than your quietest lullaby
you hovered in my peripheral, an orbit all within its own galaxy
there was something manic in your gaze that turned
tingles into thunderous vibrations
you were outlined within my mind & even when you’re not there i can pinpoint you
anywhere
note: this was written 3 years ago but I deemed it unfit and unfinished but now it’s not so bad. perspective is a weird thing, huh?
This isn’t anything special. It’s not a poem, a thing updating my life to people who don’t give two fucks, or even a challenge to myself. It’s just me taking the bull by its horns and trying to write again even if it’s nothing special or uplifting nor is it incredibly creative nor all encompassing. I’m writing this to stretch my proverbial wings and see if I still have it in me.
the heart demands
the heart feels
the heart wants & it bleeds & it breaks & it cocoons itself together edge by jagged edge
the heart heals
you want to take the piece that once encompassed you?
sure, i don’t need that anyways
you want to take the cornerstone & pray that my foundation doesn’t shake?
fine, i’ll just grow stronger with what i have left
worshipped & loved & wanted &&&
it was being in a sea of commotion to only be laid out to rest in a desert of cosmic chaos
a million degrees but not a fire not a lamp not a sun to be found
if you can’t find the sun, make the sun &
if you can’t make the sun, be the damn sun yourself
it’s in the shades of your supernova that i reside
& it’s within that shadow that i settle, make my home, &
crawl into silence & secretly be unwanted on the darker spectrum of your soul
you rise in the east & i diverge into the west
i take the beaten path of shade & shadow & desire &
warp it into a fracture of humanity that only I know the limits of
do not worry, little bird, ascend into the stratosphere & i shall remain
here, guarding your home until it’s time for me to take flight & soar into the
depths of the universe
it is only with your light that i exist & it’s only with your light that i
cease in belonging
our memories are said to power us yet
the words that flow are moments of now & not before
& there’s something in the grooves of my fingers that feels like longing
writing out the language of why instead of who & what & when & where & how
& there was something manic in your gaze that turned
tingles into thunderous vibrations
two parts despair & one part desolation with a dash of all-consuming love just hidden under all that lurid anger
& this feeling lives on infinitely within your embrace
& i am the shade of the eclipsed sun & you are the rays that follow
summer lives in your skin & i want to make my home there
sliced open without the desperation of your breath on my lips
or the taste of your soul against mine
memories of us cloud my senses in shades of you.. you.. you
your voice begins with autumn & the echoes resonate
spreading out until it fades & collides with the gravel of space
reverberating particles of our shared spirits into the timeline of the universe
it was supposed to be too big to handle but somehow.. we fit
winter became your heart & it started slow & it started with complete invisibility
war is launched with reasoning, i could not & would not see it
darkness took the light & made a modicum fracture for shadow to seep through
scintillating, it was a homing beacon to ignore less i burned from staring too long
they said your eyes reflected spring & i came to realize it was closer to impersonation
three-hundred-sixty-five days of you still twinkled in the back of my mind & the vapors of your touch caressed me as i dreamed & they say spring is the season of beginnings
summer lives in your skin & i want to make my home there
sliced open without the desperation of your breath on my lips
or the taste of your soul against mine
memories of us cloud my senses in shades of you.. you..
you were the earth until you diminished into eternity
i would have torn down the world if you had asked
your print in the universe would be the only thing left standing
oxygen would have to reinvent itself &
the earth would have to reverse crumble &
molecule after molecule would water come back together
you glowed brighter than the constellations that held you up
& you only shined brighter the farther you stepped &
the time we had with each other blinked out of sight
i only had twenty-five minutes with you when i should’ve had a decade or more
thinking softly to myself
eight years is a long time to love someone when you only had two together
i would have torn down the world if you had asked
(you didn’t ask, so i did not)
(after)
i have fought a war of seven billion people
& lust smoldered into heartache & tasted so sweet
this premonition of battle outlasted your life & his life & her life & my life outlasted it all-
happily forsaken
so tell me how
tell me how to feel
tell me how to feel that thing called love that everybody seems to feel
tell me over and over again when the smoke & shades of last time still churned with smoldering ash & all i can think is that love burned everything that i touched
(before)
i thought i knew love when i tasted that guy’s lips & this guy’s lips & i guess your lips too
but then your lips charred frigid air & his lips seared dehydrated h2o & all the lips that came (before) & (after) ignited empty flame
i suppose you guys cauterized that wound that each of you pried open with a singular twitch of your collective callous words but
it all tasted of desperation and (before) i thought i knew love and (after) i only knew desolation
regardless of all this i kept you all in the mausoleum called my heart
too bad time turned it into a graveyard that only you folks could invoke &
i murdered your memories & became the serial killer mother always begged me to be
you would have been proud
you tasted like single-barrel aged whiskey and if i were the sort to get addicted, i would’ve been addicted to you, that
heat liquidized down my throat in a slow molasses crawl
churning and steaming until it settled down for more
it’s too bad that yellow tail moscato came before and left the
impression of sweet, resting in permanence against my tongue
light but thick and syrupy, you were the residue that would not and could not go away
melancholy rests in the bottom of the bottle of bad decisions known as
jose and when mixed with moscato you are left with disaster in its wake
i still did it anyway and melancholy wasn’t the word for what i felt, it was just pain
avoiding steps 1 & 2 i moved on to cheap whiskey and you were the start of my cleansing, invigorated when the taste of previous viscous liquid left the sanctity of my being, whiskey was the start of something
new
single(-barrel aged) whiskey caught up to me slowly and it’s too bad that i’m not the sort to get addicted when
i was too busy already being absorbed by the first step to notice you refining yourself right here beside me
My greatest and worst memories were always with you. Hanging out in this small town where we grew up in always brings out the best and the worst of the times to the forefront of my brain and it’s like a never ending cycle of melancholic emotion. We run in different circles now, or like I have said before, we have always ran in different circles but now we’re less blinded to the truth.
It feels weird sometimes, the way I don’t think of you everyday or the times that I do think of you it’s an, “Oh, he loved this game.” Past-tense, almost like you’re dead and gone but really we’ve just moved on as far as we can move on from each other. You’re alive and I’m alive but we’re on different spectrums, places, wave-lengths, and while it’s not necessarily sad to see it go, it is very sad in many ways anyway.
I have loved you, hated you, and you are the bar that I will, and have, set every relationship against. You have been my passion, heartache, truth, and desire. Everything of and about you has at one point set my soul aflame in ways that I have not felt since.
Today, you are happy in life. At least, I hope you are. I am glad that you have found some kind of happiness in your life that has kept you going. I will admit that I am a little sad that I am not the one to help you along but I am glad that I was there to help grow with you and see you into this man you are today. I am glad that although I may no longer be a part of your life I had a part in it that nobody else did. I am thankful that even through all the bad times we had together, the good times still ran rampant and that I was part of your journey to who you are today.
Right now, I miss you and tomorrow I might as well. But the next day I will not and for the upcoming months I may not, although there may be times that I will. There will come times in my life in which I will feel down and out and want a good memory to think of and I’ll remember this. You, not as the boy who once broke my heart, but as the boy who showed me how to love and be loved. You will be the boy who became the first person outside of my blood-given family that I chose that chose me back in return. You will, and have been, the standard of love, my love.
If you’re reading this, I hope you know I no longer resent you. If you’re reading this, I hope you know that I am sorry for making you worry and that I am the same even if I am different. Everyday is an adventure and you keep on living your life big. You were always meant for bigger things than this small town. I hope that 2017 is larger than life for you, that the rest of your life is larger than life for you. I hope that you won’t miss me too much if you do miss me and if you don’t miss me, miss me a little because there will always be a part of me that will miss you. I am selfish enough to admit that at least.
I hope you’re lighting up someone else’s world the way you used to light up mine. I hope you continue to do so and that whomever attaches themselves to you, that you find happiness in them.
Good luck. I have loved you and I have missed you. Knock the world on their feet. I hope you wish me the same.
listenloudly 